Yesterday I had a counseling session..hadn't had one in quite some time because the kids come first...and my hectic school schedule doesn't allow me to take alot of time for myself...so going into counseling yesterday was such a breath of fresh air..I was GIDDY! Yes, Giddy! Not all people feel that way about counseling or the dentist...but I always do...weird.
Yesterday the topic of discussion was what I thought is a "CHARISMA FLAW"...why do I need to OWN everything I have no idea..moving along...DO you know what that flaw is?? I will tell you.
You know that feeling that you are inadequate?...that you are never good enough ..that you will never measure up? I feel I can share this freely because something clicked yesterday...no matter how old I get..no matter what I do in my life..I will always feel this way about SOMETHING in my life...why? Because I will never be perfect and I will never measure up or be good enough that is a HUMAN flaw..not a Charisma Flaw. Does anyone ever think they are good enough for things? NO! We all have doubts and fears and even though I have been through new things 100's of times I get that nausea...and that tape reeling in my head that says: "you are not good enough" ....it is what you do with that that makes all the difference. I could be a victim that says: "you are right...you might as well give up, you aren't good enough"...or I could say: "OK well I am going to try anyway and if I fail that is better than never having tried at all"....I would hate myself much more for not trying...and probably the odds are going to be in my favor that I will succeed because usually when I set my mind to something within reason, I can accomplish it. It is all about perspective...I keep learning that and there is so much truth about that....teh older I get the more I believe this.
I love it when I can relate to everyone and not feel alone in something. Don't you?
We are all brothers and sisters and we all share so many things and I love that God created us that way.....there is no BIG secret here.....it is so simple...we just make it harder than it truly is...how sad is that?
I also discovered some more AWESOME things about myself...things are just clicking for me and I love that! I called my Feminism instructor and told her about my new plan of action and she was so excited and told me about how this isn't just schooling it is a journey..I believe her whole heartedly and I would rather be on a journey anytime...rather than hitting my head against a brick wall..to end up in a place I don't actually care about....Life is beautiful!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Things that are happening
Well this last week has been an experience.....I have been hitting that fork in the road feeling wondering if nursing is what I really want to do with my life....I know..I know after all of the hard work I have been through to get here ..applications being mailed out and I am in the home stretch to apply....I started to think about why I chose nursing...Well I think I chose it because I wanted to go to school..I needed the education no matter what..and I have to have a reason or a goal when I do things (that is just how I am built)....Nursing fit well in that little box becuase I worked in the medical feild, the college near me only had two programs..pilots or nursing...and working the PT the patients that I had gotten close to had told me I would make a fabulous nurse...Well to become a nurse I would not be a "nurturer" I would be a paper pusher and chart all day administer meds...I would have bad hours to begin with and I don't know that this is what I really want to do.....I think I needed to have a goal and this fit into the "box" I didn't think I could do anything outside of the technical school that was near me...Now I know I can go to the university and my options are limitless.
So after much debate, talk, and struggle within myself I have been checking out my options and talking with my school advisor, career counselor, my boss ( who is a nurse practitioner as well) and Rob. I also remembered my first orientation at school and they said that students change their major three times on average before leaving college..I thought to myself oh yeah..well that is not me.....Well I guess I get to eat crow again!
I am changing my major!
i am going to major in human development ( psychology) and minor in Women's studies (feminism) this is going to be something mroe along the lines of what I want to do! I can be a lactation specialist, be a lamaze coach, work in women's prisons and counsel, I could work with handicapped people..I could be a school counselor, I could be alot of different things that can actually nurture people and make a difference!
The other thing they tell you when you get into the nursing program is that you can't have another job....because to get through the nursing program is really hard..and although I am up for that challenge..the thing is..my family is a full-time job..I am missing out on so many things all of the time because of school now..so getting into the nursing program I might as well just see my family 5 hours a week....and my main job is to be a MOM...I hate missing out on their lives..so I need to re-direct this path so I can be home more...WSU offers my courses on-line so I can work while they are in school and be home for everything in between. So I am going to register for fall semester at WSU and I will offically be a COUGAR (not in the bad sense)!
I pretty much have to have my master's degree to get into the things I want to do..and that is fine with me because I have plenty of time to be a student..Clarissa is 6 years old and in all actuality it is less time that it was going to take me to get my masters in nursing...I will be cutting my student time off by a year! Hurray for me!
I am getting the best of both worlds..I can be a student get my education and be the wife and mother that I need to be. Hurray for me..this is so exciting...God has been giving me peace throughout this process and he is leading me to where he thinks I should be and I love that feeling!
So after much debate, talk, and struggle within myself I have been checking out my options and talking with my school advisor, career counselor, my boss ( who is a nurse practitioner as well) and Rob. I also remembered my first orientation at school and they said that students change their major three times on average before leaving college..I thought to myself oh yeah..well that is not me.....Well I guess I get to eat crow again!
I am changing my major!
i am going to major in human development ( psychology) and minor in Women's studies (feminism) this is going to be something mroe along the lines of what I want to do! I can be a lactation specialist, be a lamaze coach, work in women's prisons and counsel, I could work with handicapped people..I could be a school counselor, I could be alot of different things that can actually nurture people and make a difference!
The other thing they tell you when you get into the nursing program is that you can't have another job....because to get through the nursing program is really hard..and although I am up for that challenge..the thing is..my family is a full-time job..I am missing out on so many things all of the time because of school now..so getting into the nursing program I might as well just see my family 5 hours a week....and my main job is to be a MOM...I hate missing out on their lives..so I need to re-direct this path so I can be home more...WSU offers my courses on-line so I can work while they are in school and be home for everything in between. So I am going to register for fall semester at WSU and I will offically be a COUGAR (not in the bad sense)!
I pretty much have to have my master's degree to get into the things I want to do..and that is fine with me because I have plenty of time to be a student..Clarissa is 6 years old and in all actuality it is less time that it was going to take me to get my masters in nursing...I will be cutting my student time off by a year! Hurray for me!
I am getting the best of both worlds..I can be a student get my education and be the wife and mother that I need to be. Hurray for me..this is so exciting...God has been giving me peace throughout this process and he is leading me to where he thinks I should be and I love that feeling!
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Clarissa and sewing
Well Clarissa was just itching to go to the shop with me today...she got her chores done and hounded her Daddy until he finally called to say : Clarissa is bugging me to come down there today...Can she come? I said " Yes....then talked to Jeri..I asked ..Does she have her apron...she said: SHe has had it on since 9 o'clock this morning. me " oh ok...sure tell Dad to bring her down."
While she was there she put bolts of fabric away ..ate snacks and then started a crayon quilt..i let her pick out 4 FQ to use and then told her she could get the rest of the fabrics out of our scrap bin....or she could buy a honey bun ( just for my sheer laziness so I wouldn't have to cut all of them up..but she picked FQ instead)...they are all pink...so she is making a PINK crayon quilt..which is fine, it is her quilt...but she is a girl who knows what she wants..so why bother trying to get her to expand? She put in one green strip from the scrap bin..that one strip must be pretty worthy to make it into the pink quilt..lol.
She is getting tired I can tell....and there are alot of little pictures she has to frame in fabric...but I think it is darling the way she tries so hard.
The boys have a friend staying the night and he is just watching her amazed that she can iron, and work the sewing machine..he keeps going in to the boys and saying...How does your sister do that?..My boys don't even look up.. they say : My Mom teaches her everything...Clarissa knows how to work everything. And that pretty much sums it up..Clarissa will weasel her way into everything so she can know the ins and outs of this house..which is good...I am proud of her!
Friday, December 18, 2009
Choir concert, school dances and more...
Last night Clarissa wanted to come to work with me so she raced home to do her chores and got on her apron and Rob drove her down for the last hour to work...it was dead...DEAD! Nobody hardly came into the shop yesterday!
Clarissa is just happy being there and that is fine by me..I like having her be by my side and learning as she goes.
But from the minute we got off of work..we had to go to dinner..SUBWAY last night..then I took Preston to the store to pick out his white elephant gift for his Christmas party today ..and also get his treat. Then off to Jeri's Choir concert..
....Also Dropped Bryce and his friends off at the school dance. Rob left the concert early to go and pick them up and drop all of his friends off at their homes..When I got to the concert Jeri had decided to wear different shoes...and I found my pair of red shoes shoved into her boots..my RED shoes that she neglected to ask me to wear???HMMM interesting. I asked her about it..she said she "was gonna ask" LOL..whatever...Teenagers.
But she did a great job singing and while we were waiting for Rob to pick us up...Seth ( the boy she went to homecoming with..whom she also has a crush on)Stopped by to say HI...I spoke with his Mom at the grocery store yesterday in fact..he doesn't really talk to Jeri because he gets to nervous..and his stomach starts to hurt. LOL
Anyway, I asked Seth if his Mom was around and he said yes..you could tell he was extremely nervous...then he says "I sure hope my Mom videotaped the Women's choir" ...All I could do is chuckle..what is he going to do...re-watch Jeri? LOL
When Rob picked us up I could tell the boys had been in the car..the cologne cloud that was left from all four of those boys was amazing. LOL I love cologne..but sheesh! They could have left some in the bottle!
When we got home it was homework catastrophes...having to re-wrap Cole's finger..he smashed it in the car door between dinner and concert..the fingernail is going to fall off it is so bad...he handled it well...but I feel bad for him and he had a typing test today...he is probably going to fail that. Hopefully by the time Christmas break is over it will be well enough for him to write and type.
And they were all late getting to bed..all the excitement of Christmas break and missing their friends....and doing all the fun stuff without homework and daily routines..is making them giddy! I can't say I blame them.
Well I hope you all are enjoying the chaos of the season as I am...despite the bad things I can't say that I couldn't be more proud of my children or that I would change a thing in my life....this is the way it is supposed to be...and I am thankful!
Clarissa is just happy being there and that is fine by me..I like having her be by my side and learning as she goes.
But from the minute we got off of work..we had to go to dinner..SUBWAY last night..then I took Preston to the store to pick out his white elephant gift for his Christmas party today ..and also get his treat. Then off to Jeri's Choir concert..
....Also Dropped Bryce and his friends off at the school dance. Rob left the concert early to go and pick them up and drop all of his friends off at their homes..When I got to the concert Jeri had decided to wear different shoes...and I found my pair of red shoes shoved into her boots..my RED shoes that she neglected to ask me to wear???HMMM interesting. I asked her about it..she said she "was gonna ask" LOL..whatever...Teenagers.
But she did a great job singing and while we were waiting for Rob to pick us up...Seth ( the boy she went to homecoming with..whom she also has a crush on)Stopped by to say HI...I spoke with his Mom at the grocery store yesterday in fact..he doesn't really talk to Jeri because he gets to nervous..and his stomach starts to hurt. LOL
Anyway, I asked Seth if his Mom was around and he said yes..you could tell he was extremely nervous...then he says "I sure hope my Mom videotaped the Women's choir" ...All I could do is chuckle..what is he going to do...re-watch Jeri? LOL
When Rob picked us up I could tell the boys had been in the car..the cologne cloud that was left from all four of those boys was amazing. LOL I love cologne..but sheesh! They could have left some in the bottle!
When we got home it was homework catastrophes...having to re-wrap Cole's finger..he smashed it in the car door between dinner and concert..the fingernail is going to fall off it is so bad...he handled it well...but I feel bad for him and he had a typing test today...he is probably going to fail that. Hopefully by the time Christmas break is over it will be well enough for him to write and type.
And they were all late getting to bed..all the excitement of Christmas break and missing their friends....and doing all the fun stuff without homework and daily routines..is making them giddy! I can't say I blame them.
Well I hope you all are enjoying the chaos of the season as I am...despite the bad things I can't say that I couldn't be more proud of my children or that I would change a thing in my life....this is the way it is supposed to be...and I am thankful!
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tis the Season
When we say "tis the season"...What do we really mean?
Lets make a list:
Is this the season for family fighting?
The season for bringing out the worst in people?
STRESS! Need I say more?
Scrooges??
Tis the season for heavy traffic..heavy shopping and heavy eating? Glutenty?
Selfishness?
I have engaged in all of these things they don't miss me despite the fact that I think the real reason for the season is JESUS! His birth ..what his birth meant and what it meant for all of man kind. But I question myself at least..DO I do enough ? am I passing the true message to my children?
IS engagaing in all of this worldly stuff wiping out anything good that I do because the wordly temptations are just that... temptations?
I read the story of JEsus' birth to my children....we have even thrown a birthday party for Jesus on Christmas....Last night we went to the tree of sharing to donate gifts to two children...is that really enough? Couldn't I do more...will they understand everything I want them to know?
What do I really want them to learn.....
The LOVE of jesus..his destiny to give his life for us....GIVING! When we give there are no expectations...The giving is supposed to be from the heart without strings..not because you feel like you have to give to someone...my family struggles with that. GOd Gave us his only son...as a parent we know that was the biggest sacrifice that we could ever know..we will give our own lives for our children..just to spare our kids...WHy because the death of a child is the worst thing that could happen to us parents...God did that! GIVING! That should be the theme. Celebrating the REAL reason for the Season...JESUS!
This needs to be a joyous occasion filled with love, happiness, healed hearts, and Hope for what is to come later when you beleive. We need to believe in the right things...or that is out the window. Which is what has happened to many of us.
We need to feel love in our hearts despite the fact that our flesh wants to fight love. LOVE...what does it mean? many things to many people...but today I want it to mean thinking of others before ourselves..unselfish love. Love means to feel....not just feel hurt..that gets in the way but to feel compassion,empathy, and sympathy. If we can walk a mile in someone elses' shoes I belive we can feel all of those elements of love and we would get a whole new perspective of what we should be doing with love. Jesus was a fine expample of that.....healing, laughing, and teaching. We all have gifts..strengths..and we need to use them for which he intended..let's start fighting to use them.
Lets make a list:
Is this the season for family fighting?
The season for bringing out the worst in people?
STRESS! Need I say more?
Scrooges??
Tis the season for heavy traffic..heavy shopping and heavy eating? Glutenty?
Selfishness?
I have engaged in all of these things they don't miss me despite the fact that I think the real reason for the season is JESUS! His birth ..what his birth meant and what it meant for all of man kind. But I question myself at least..DO I do enough ? am I passing the true message to my children?
IS engagaing in all of this worldly stuff wiping out anything good that I do because the wordly temptations are just that... temptations?
I read the story of JEsus' birth to my children....we have even thrown a birthday party for Jesus on Christmas....Last night we went to the tree of sharing to donate gifts to two children...is that really enough? Couldn't I do more...will they understand everything I want them to know?
What do I really want them to learn.....
The LOVE of jesus..his destiny to give his life for us....GIVING! When we give there are no expectations...The giving is supposed to be from the heart without strings..not because you feel like you have to give to someone...my family struggles with that. GOd Gave us his only son...as a parent we know that was the biggest sacrifice that we could ever know..we will give our own lives for our children..just to spare our kids...WHy because the death of a child is the worst thing that could happen to us parents...God did that! GIVING! That should be the theme. Celebrating the REAL reason for the Season...JESUS!
This needs to be a joyous occasion filled with love, happiness, healed hearts, and Hope for what is to come later when you beleive. We need to believe in the right things...or that is out the window. Which is what has happened to many of us.
We need to feel love in our hearts despite the fact that our flesh wants to fight love. LOVE...what does it mean? many things to many people...but today I want it to mean thinking of others before ourselves..unselfish love. Love means to feel....not just feel hurt..that gets in the way but to feel compassion,empathy, and sympathy. If we can walk a mile in someone elses' shoes I belive we can feel all of those elements of love and we would get a whole new perspective of what we should be doing with love. Jesus was a fine expample of that.....healing, laughing, and teaching. We all have gifts..strengths..and we need to use them for which he intended..let's start fighting to use them.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Happy Holidays all!
Well I am finally to the point of enjoying some peace....I passed all of my classes which seems possible...except..I really struggled in one class. I got a C in A&P which isn't all that great but at least I didn't fail.
I spent the weekend with my grandma ...we were supposed to go Christmas shopping but she wasn't feeling up to it so I went with my Aunt..we had a great time..we used to shop when I lived there...our "power" shopping...we are perfect shoppers together!
I finsihed all of the shopping for my kids and now it is nothing but wrapping...I used to enjoy wrapping...now I don't care as long as it gets done...lol.
I have started reading our traditional Christmas books for the season...."The Best Christmas Pageant Ever" and we also read the story of Jesus Birth from the bible...the kids love it.
I loved that book when I was little so I love to read it to the kids.
I am tring to make new stockings for my family this year..not sure I will have them done in time for Christmas because the most perfect fabric just came in last week for them and I have not technically started them yet...if not I am sure I will get them done before next year. hehe.
Rob and the boys finally got the tree up this year..I have given up on decorating...I would not have even put it up this year ..so they did it. I am not sure why..other than I am tired and by the time break came...it seemed that the holiday was half over...and I felt like I have not been able to breathe until now...so there it is.
It has been snowing all night and day here..school was delayed for 2 hours this morning..the kids were oh so happy about that..Bryce is home sick and I am thankful I don't have to drive an hour to and from school in this stuff....
Well I hope you all haev a great day..and since I am home form school..I willtry to update this more often...we shall see.
I spent the weekend with my grandma ...we were supposed to go Christmas shopping but she wasn't feeling up to it so I went with my Aunt..we had a great time..we used to shop when I lived there...our "power" shopping...we are perfect shoppers together!
I finsihed all of the shopping for my kids and now it is nothing but wrapping...I used to enjoy wrapping...now I don't care as long as it gets done...lol.
I have started reading our traditional Christmas books for the season...."The Best Christmas Pageant Ever" and we also read the story of Jesus Birth from the bible...the kids love it.
I loved that book when I was little so I love to read it to the kids.
I am tring to make new stockings for my family this year..not sure I will have them done in time for Christmas because the most perfect fabric just came in last week for them and I have not technically started them yet...if not I am sure I will get them done before next year. hehe.
Rob and the boys finally got the tree up this year..I have given up on decorating...I would not have even put it up this year ..so they did it. I am not sure why..other than I am tired and by the time break came...it seemed that the holiday was half over...and I felt like I have not been able to breathe until now...so there it is.
It has been snowing all night and day here..school was delayed for 2 hours this morning..the kids were oh so happy about that..Bryce is home sick and I am thankful I don't have to drive an hour to and from school in this stuff....
Well I hope you all haev a great day..and since I am home form school..I willtry to update this more often...we shall see.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Like Mother, Like Daughter...in this case!
IT was so cute last week...I want to document this becuase in my hectic life I may not remember and I want to scrap this one day....
Last week Clarissa was reading her book to Rob for her nightly reading and I was cooking dinner in the kitchen...I heard her say..."and I want to buy Mom a bunch of flowers"....I knew she was reading from her book but I said "Oh, CLarissa ...you do..You want to buy me a bunch of flowers?" She replies " Mom, I am reading my book." I said " oh, ok." hehe.
Well about 30 minutes later while I was still working in kitchen Clarissa comes up to me and said " here mom" and she had a little note that said " I love my mom so much I want to get her a bunch of flowers" and then there were little flowers and hearts drawn all over ..is that not the cutest thing you have ever heard? That will be the best bunch of flowers I have ever recieved. I hugged her and told her how much I loved her. She smiled.
The following day I called my grandma and we were chatting and she said she had been going through a video book and this peice of paper fell out that made her teary eyed and I asked what it was...she said it was a picture I had drawn for her and the note I had written on it was "TO: Grandma , this is a picture I drew of us we don't have faces but I thought the gesture was enough...please don't hang this up. Love Charisma"
it was a pencil drawing of us hugging with my grandma's hand on my cheek. ISn't that the sweetest?? She said she was going to frame it and hang it up..I told her that was fine....all I can think is....at the time that I drew it I must of thought it was not good enough..because I have always been that way..but I did want to share with my grandma how I felt about her without exposing myself to much...but now that I am an adult I realize how important that kind of a drawing is to a grandma\parent and I am glad she kept it as I will always keep the drawing and note from Clarissa. Isn't timing a funny thing? I don't believe in coincidences..but I do believe that in the times and struggles we experience in our everyday lives sometimes there is that little glimspe of the things we are truly greatful for and God places those things in our path so we don't take things for granted...but we realize it because it is not in our ordinary day....Blessings!
Isn't it funny how we see so many things in our children that are in ourselves..I never realized until recently how much Clarissa is so much like me...the last few months have been so eye opening ..the older she gets the more teary eyed I get for so many reasons but most of all I just want her to be a strong confident woman and I just may get her there with all of these older brothers...But I see so many strong,good and idealistic qualities in her ..yet I know she could be crushed so easily because she sees and feels everything... life will lead her to where she needs to be regardless of how I see her...and I can't worry about all the things I am not and what I want her to be..I have to raise her to be who God wants her to be....just as I am trying to raise myself to be who He wants me to be...
I hope you all recognize those blessings in your everyday life and that you will document them because I now realize that this blog will be a blessing to my kids regardless if I get every memory scrapbooked because they will have them anyway..in this form and hopefully they will see how much I dearly love them in my everyday life..because they have been my biggest and best blessings.
Last week Clarissa was reading her book to Rob for her nightly reading and I was cooking dinner in the kitchen...I heard her say..."and I want to buy Mom a bunch of flowers"....I knew she was reading from her book but I said "Oh, CLarissa ...you do..You want to buy me a bunch of flowers?" She replies " Mom, I am reading my book." I said " oh, ok." hehe.
Well about 30 minutes later while I was still working in kitchen Clarissa comes up to me and said " here mom" and she had a little note that said " I love my mom so much I want to get her a bunch of flowers" and then there were little flowers and hearts drawn all over ..is that not the cutest thing you have ever heard? That will be the best bunch of flowers I have ever recieved. I hugged her and told her how much I loved her. She smiled.
The following day I called my grandma and we were chatting and she said she had been going through a video book and this peice of paper fell out that made her teary eyed and I asked what it was...she said it was a picture I had drawn for her and the note I had written on it was "TO: Grandma , this is a picture I drew of us we don't have faces but I thought the gesture was enough...please don't hang this up. Love Charisma"
it was a pencil drawing of us hugging with my grandma's hand on my cheek. ISn't that the sweetest?? She said she was going to frame it and hang it up..I told her that was fine....all I can think is....at the time that I drew it I must of thought it was not good enough..because I have always been that way..but I did want to share with my grandma how I felt about her without exposing myself to much...but now that I am an adult I realize how important that kind of a drawing is to a grandma\parent and I am glad she kept it as I will always keep the drawing and note from Clarissa. Isn't timing a funny thing? I don't believe in coincidences..but I do believe that in the times and struggles we experience in our everyday lives sometimes there is that little glimspe of the things we are truly greatful for and God places those things in our path so we don't take things for granted...but we realize it because it is not in our ordinary day....Blessings!
Isn't it funny how we see so many things in our children that are in ourselves..I never realized until recently how much Clarissa is so much like me...the last few months have been so eye opening ..the older she gets the more teary eyed I get for so many reasons but most of all I just want her to be a strong confident woman and I just may get her there with all of these older brothers...But I see so many strong,good and idealistic qualities in her ..yet I know she could be crushed so easily because she sees and feels everything... life will lead her to where she needs to be regardless of how I see her...and I can't worry about all the things I am not and what I want her to be..I have to raise her to be who God wants her to be....just as I am trying to raise myself to be who He wants me to be...
I hope you all recognize those blessings in your everyday life and that you will document them because I now realize that this blog will be a blessing to my kids regardless if I get every memory scrapbooked because they will have them anyway..in this form and hopefully they will see how much I dearly love them in my everyday life..because they have been my biggest and best blessings.
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